Parents and Teachers

Parents, teachers and school boards don't always see eye to eye, for instance, at this morning's PTA meeting. We are faced with overcrowding issues in our district and not everyone agrees on a solution, but I think everyone can agree one one thing, to help our kids, we need to get involved...

No matter what is happening on the outside of the classroom, one of the best things a parent can do is help in the classroom, be involved with the school, and support the teachers.

Parenting A Responsible Child

Working With Teachers and Schools to Build Character

Research indicates that children take values seriously only when they see that the adults they respect agree, at least in general, with those values. Although parents must be the ones to determine which values they want their children to develop, they need the help of the community, particularly the schools, in reinforcing those values. Here are some suggestions for ways that you can work with your child's teachers and other school officials to make sure that you are all "on the same page" in terms of the basic values that you want your child to learn and use:

• Visit with your child's teachers early in the school year. Tell them what kind of person you want your child to become and what values are important to you. Discuss with them ways that they and the school can reinforce the lessons you are teaching your child about good character.

• If the school has a character education program, or if character education is part of the curriculum, ask for a description of the program or curriculum and talk with teachers about how you can help reinforce the lessons at home. If the school does not have a character education program, work with the school and local community to begin one.

• Be alert for and communicate with teachers when the school is giving your child conflicting messages about values. For example, your child's teacher might stress the importance of not cheating, while her coach stresses the importance of doing whatever you have to do in order to win. Some teachers might demand that students come to class with all the materials they need for the day's work; others might let them borrow from each other or sit in class without materials. Some might set strict policies about how homework is to be done and when it must be turned in; others might have no clear policies—or assign no homework at all.

• Work with other parents and parent groups to help your child's school establish and maintain high standards for behavior both in school and at after-school events, such as ball games or concerts. Help to set up a list of volunteers for supervising school activities or chaperoning field trips to museums, libraries and other activities. In addition, you might meet with other parents to agree on standards of behavior for activities outside of school, such as parties.


Get involved! Post your comments and suggestions here!

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More on Responsible Kids

My daughter told me this morning at breakfast, "you are such a nice mommy." I asked her why she thought so, and she told me, "because you let me decide if I want to take a shower this morning or take one later today." I thought WOW, she is a walking, talking Love and Logic kid...


All I really do is give her choices on things in her day to day routine, like when she wants to take her shower (would you like to take your shower this morning or tonight?) what veggies she wants eats (would you like broccoli or cauliflower tonight?) and how she chooses to dress for cold weather (would you like to carry your coat, or wear it?)

There are many opportunities in a day to give kids choices about things that are small, but to the kids seem so huge. The kids get a chance to make their own decisions and think for themselves. It empowers them and also gives them the chance to make small mistakes and learn about the natural consequences of their actions. It then becomes easier to take back your parental voice, when you really need to ("Haven't I given you a lot of choices lately? Well, now I need for this to happen. Thanks for understanding")

Here is another section of the article on Raising Responsible Kids:

Parenting A Responsible Child

What Does 'Strong Character' Mean?

Character is a set of qualities, or values, that shape our thoughts, actions, reactions and feelings. People with strong character

- show compassion,
- are honest and fair,
- display self-discipline in setting and meeting goals,
- make good judgments,
- show respect to others,
- show courage in standing up for beliefs,
- have a strong sense of responsibility,
- are good citizens who are concerned for their community, and
- maintain self-respect.

Compassion

Compassion, or empathy, means identifying with and being concerned about other people's feelings and needs. It provides the emotional root for caring about other people. It allows us to be understanding and tolerant of different points of views and beliefs, it makes us aware of the suffering of others, and it allows us to empathize with them or to feel their suffering as our own. Compassion also allows us to feel joy and excitement - rather than anger and despair - at other people's successes and achievements.

Babies may begin to cry when they hear other sounds of crying, and coo and laugh when they hear others making happy sounds. By the age of three, many children will make an effort to hug or comfort another child or a parent who seems upset. As children grow, compassion can guide their actions and behaviors in positive ways. They understand that by doing something wrong, they cause others pain or unhappiness.

We can promote compassion by helping our children to think about how others feel. For example, if your child says or does something hurtful to another child, help him to focus his attention on the feelings of his victim by saying, for example, "How do you think Zack feels? Would you like to feel like that?" Children develop compassion by practicing acts of caring and kindness towards others. As adults, we need to emphasize the importance of helping others, giving others the benefit of the doubt and being open to differences.

What You Can Do

- Talk about the point of view of others as you watch TV, read books or discuss other people with your child. For example, ask, "What do you think that character is feeling and thinking?"

- Show care toward others, such as doing errands for sick neighbors or opening doors for others.

- Give others the benefit of the doubt. If your child complains that a classmate deliberately pushed her down on the way to lunch, explain that sometimes when people are in a hurry, they don't watch where they're going - they don't mean to push or hurt anyone.

- Be open to differences. If your child says "Our new neighbors dress funny," explain that people often wear clothes that reflect their cultures or native countries.

- Daddy, why is Grandma crying?
- She's very sad. One of her friends just died. Come sit with me. Do you remember how you felt when your gerbil, Whiskers, died?
- I felt sad and lonely.
- Well imagine how much worse Grandma must feel losing a friend. Maybe you can think of a way to help her.
- I could give her a hug...
- That's a great idea!



Please post your comments, questions and suggestions and stay tuned for more!

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Raising Responsible Kids

I write about parenting simply because I am having so much fun being a parent and I like to share what I have learned...

This is from an article I am compiling on raising responsible kids. Are there other topics you would like to see explored? Please leave your comments and feedback.

Enjoy!

Parenting A Responsible Child

Part one

"Intelligence is not enough. Intelligence plus character, that is the goal of true education."

Martin Luther King Jr.

Just as children must be taught to tie their shoes, read and write, solve math problems, and understand science concepts and events in history, so must they be guided in developing the qualities of character that are valued by their families and by the communities in which they live. It is only through guidance and modeling by caring adults that children learn to be honest and thoughtful, to stand up for their principles, to care about others, to act responsibly and to make sound moral choices.

This article provides information about the values and skills that make up character and good citizenship and what you can do to help your child develop strong character. It suggests activities that you and your school-aged children can do to put those values to work in your daily lives and tips for working with teachers and schools to ensure that you act together to promote the basic values that you want your child to learn and use.

Be assured that the qualities of character discussed in this article are universally recognized by people of many religions and cultures, and the information contained in the article can be used by parents from many different backgrounds and with different beliefs.

... stay tuned for more

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Buying Good Behaviour

It seems that the Love and Logic Institute is not alone in telling parents not pay for grades, chores and good behaviour...

Earlier in the century it was written that the use of presents, rewards and the like should not be employed as a means of establishing good relations between the child and the parents on a "merely commercial basis." It was said that you don't give a child a bike for attending school but you give it to him because it is a plaything and something he will use as such. In this way the parent's love in giving him the present will bring forth a "corresponding affection" from him. Basically, have expectations of your child that he will behave a certain way because he is part of the family and that is the way a family member behaves, and don't bribe him into good behaviour with toys, candy or money!

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Kahlil Gibran

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you...


You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in you dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward not tarries with yesterday."

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Easy Choices

My daughter was three years old when I first heard of Love and Logic. I remember the day well because I spent most of it reading a book a friend had loaned me on the subject. I "got it" right away it seemed like it could be the key...

The words and phrases seemed funny to me at first and I wondered how I was going to sound, but I loved the philosophy and hoped that it would work. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. The next day I tried it out at the playground. When it was time to go, I asked my daughter, "would you like to leave now, or in ten minutes?" Even at three years of age, she knew that ten minutes was a better deal. I had very little trouble getting her to leave, and I have been parenting the Love and Logic way ever since.

I wish I could say that it is that easy all the time, but it isn't. I practic it all the time. Now, my daughter is almost six years old, and while she has her moments, I can generally count on her to fun in public, agreeable when it comes time to leave a playdates, and I know that I will have much more energy at the end of the day. My hat goes off to Jim and Charles Fay and everyone who helped bring this philosophy to parents and teachers everywhere. As they say, kids don't come with an instruction manual, but this comes pretty close.

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Sense of Community

Some good advice on raising your child with a sense of community...

"Help your child think about age-appropriate things that she can do to serve the community. For example, your young child might help you sort items for recycling or give money from her piggy bank to a charitable group. An older child might participate in walks for charity, volunteer at animal shelters or visit residents of a local nursing home..."

My daughter and I have adopted a dachshund mix puppy that was surrendered to a shelter in Louisiana prior to Hurricane Katrina. After the storm, she was relocated to another shelter that was eventually condemned because the owner was an animal hoarder. She was finally rescued by the The Oregon Friends of Shelter Animals and was brought to Oregon where we found her on Petfinder. She is a joy and a blessing, and pretty cute too. Not only do we have a daily reminder of the devastation wrought by the hurricane, but we have an opportunity to make a difference in our own community. We are signing up with our local Humane Society to help with their community education and outreach programs, and we hope to be able to "pay it forward" any way we can.

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Great to See You

I say these four little words to my daughter at the end of every school day, and I always get the same response... a smile, a hug, and a "nice to see you too, mommy!"...

How many things in life have this kind of predictability, especially when it comes to five year olds? I picked up this little "pearl of wisdom" at a recent Love and Logic seminar in Portland, Oregon, and it has been easy to make into a habit. I used to say "How was your day?" but the response from my daughter was varied and not nearly as pleasant. She loves to tell me about her day, but now I let her pick the time so she can unwind if she needs to, and when she is ready the day gets re-told with enthusiasm. The first thing I want her to know when I pick her up from school is how nice it is to see her. Four little words say so much.

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Compassion in Action

It looks like the guidance I am giving my daughter in responsibility is also helping her learn compassion. Last night during her prayers, she said, "thank you God for my friends and family, and my bestest mommy and all our animals, and for the people everywhere, they are all nice."...

Such sweet sentiments for a five year old, who has no doubt in her mind that people are inherently good, some just make bad choices. What a foundation to build upon. My Love and Logic training doesn't delve into the age old question of Good and Evil, but gives parents the opportunity to help their children make good choices, letting them suffer the natural consequences of bad ones, while maintaining their integrity and self esteem.

Oh, the things we can learn from our children.

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The Sounds of Silence

Silence can include a dishwasher, a barking dog and a cat shredding the weather stripping on the garage door to get in. Okay, maybe not the barking dog...

It is all relative. Just one long hour ago, my sweet daughter was having a meltdown to beat all meltdowns, and my ear drums were about to explode. My heart rate was rising and my thoughts could have turned to anger or agony, but I soothed myself and brought to mind the principles of Love and Logic. I remembered how to have fun in the face of adversity, how to maintain a smile on my face, and I gave the problem back to her to solve. Am I delusional? Is this a romantic dream?

A parent has a different notion of romance. Romance might include a homemade card with hearts and stars all over it, a dish taken to the sink and even a lipstick print on the wall. Bubble baths? Alone time? Red wine and candlelight? In your dreams! By the time the dishes are clean and the clothes laundered, there is no time or hot water left. However, red wine is still an option, be it in a sippy cup or gold rimmed goblet, it makes no difference.

A broken stream of thought is a common occurance, and silent moments few and far in bewteen, but the reality of being a parent is heaven on earth. The small hands in yours, the sweet words and the hugs... may you never forget the hugs.

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Reflections

It is hard to believe that yesterday I was in San Francisco finishing up a seminar in copywriting hosted by Dr. Harlan Kilstein and Tina Lorenz. Among the guest presenters were Joel Comm, David Garfinkel and Alex Mandossian, all masters in their fields...
Not only were the presenters amazing, enthusiastic and motivational but the attendees were among the best and the brightest. I expect to see many of the same faces next year, all with tales of success and good fortune. Inspiration was not in short supply and cooperation and support were plentiful. As a novice, I found words of encouragement, practical help and great strategies that will be put in place in a few short days. Thank you Harlan and Tina!

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San Francisco

It is beautiful day outside here in Burlingame, CA, at least that is what they say. Being at a copywriting seminar is not about crab cocktails at the wharf, cable cars and Dim Sum, but about hotel rooms and conference rooms...It was obvious that 5 days away from home was going to be a experience, but I never thought it would lead to this kind of transformation.
Up until now, parenting was the single biggest challenge I had come up against, one that promised great rewards, but the rewards here are equally important and grand. As I think about my daughter at home and how proud I am of her, I realize that it is okay to be proud of myself as well. It takes a lot to raise a responsible child, and ignoring my own inner child has not served me well. I want to show my daughter what a strong woman is and how a strong woman acts, and she will see that woman walking into her Kindergarten class tomorrow to pick her up from school.

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